Worst beach vacation. Ever.

Two things I didn’t need on my quick weekend away at a beach: suntan lotion and a bathing suit.

It was awful. No sun the entire time.

The trip didn’t even meet my low expectations, which I’d set after figuring out that it wasn’t going to fulfill the initial goal. That had been to put me over on Delta miles. I was thisclose after getting my Bangkok ticket (I flew in and out of there to go to Bhutan).

The first leg of that trip put me within 982 miles of silver, so I figured the return trip would yield 544 miles (which is what the first leg gave me) and then I could do one quick weekend away – no time off – and reach silver for the first time since Peace Corps.

So I bought the cheapest flight I could find, to Hainan. It’s an island about a 50-minute flight away. I figured medallion status and the beach – how easy is that? I even got the hotel and pre-paid for it.

But then I never got the credit for the second leg of the Bangkok trip. In trying to figure out what happened. I realized Delta had re-jiggered the mileage program between my inbound and outbound flights and wasn’t going to qualify with this one more trip. Rats.

But still, it was a weekend at the beach? Seriously, how bad could it be?

Well, it was that bad. And then it just got worse.

Flight was an hour late, which isn’t a surprise with China Southern. Then the taxi driver had absolutely no idea where the hotel was, even thought I’d handed him the address and a map. He kept yelling at me and, since I speak no Chinese, I had no answer. I kept pointing to the map. I didn’t know what else to do.

He then kept indicating his phone, like he wanted me to call the hotel. I was like, dude, I gave you the map. Of course, it’s pointless of me to speak, just as it was pointless for him to yell at me, because neither one of us had any idea of what the other was saying.

Even before we left the airport, I realized it was going to be fruitless and tried to open the door. But he locked it and I couldn’t get out. Seriously.

He then took off, not in an abduction way but in a “I’m going to take your money” kind of way. He kept yelling at me and I had no understanding of what he was saying. He then called someone and handed the phone to me. The man on the other end spoke some English, but so accented that I had no idea of what he was saying..

I kept saying something like, “I don’t know. I gave him a map.” (The map indicated two straight lines, the address of the hotel in both English and Chinese, the fact it should only take 15 minutes and cost 60 RMB.) The man kept repeating something but I had no idea what. I kept trying to get out of the car, which was moving slowly, at this time.

We finally took off and the driver seemed to know where he was going, but kept trying to communicate with me. He did the phone thing again and we went through the same routine, but I finally figured out what I’d thought was “ATM” or “APM” (the latter being a metro line in Guangzhou, so it did mean something to me) was actually “Eighty.” He was trying to tell me what he was going to extort from me.

The guy on the line explained that the cab driver’s meter was broken and it would cost 80 RMB. Well, that was a crock of shit, and I knew it and knew the price was too expensive, so I agreed. At that point, what can you do?

And it was the weekend’s theme. The next cab I took, the hotel called for me, explaining that what would happen was the cab would start the meter in town, drive out to meet me and then take me wherever, effectively charging me double. This was standard practice, they said. And to boot, what happened was after all that, the guy said there was an additional additional charge for calling the cab in the first place.

I hate it. Just say, “You’re white and I perceive you to be rich. I am going to charge you more.” I know that’s what you’re doing, you know that’s what you’re doing. Don’t flipping lie to me. Your meter’s not broken, there is no additional charge, I am fully aware that the meter is supposed to start on 10 and not 25. I know you’re taking me on a circumvent way to get there.

Seriously, I don’t mind paying more. I just don’t like people thinking they’re pulling the wool over my eyes.

My third cab driver, I felt, was honest. But he really did get lost, taking me to the Sheraton instead of the Hilton. The Sheraton was clear on the other side of the island and this wasted not only an additional 60 RMB, but an hour of my life. I was close to tears at that point and the guy kept apologizing.

That was my only foray into the town, and it proved to be miserable. I wound up paying about $40 in cab rides for a $2 dinner.

The area is known for its sunshine. It purports to be sunny 90 percent of the time. Well, I never saw Mr. Sun. Instead, it was chilly, windy and it drizzled the entire time. Just gloom and doom.

The hotel was fabulous. A five-star Hilton, brand new, with its own beach. I slept in a comfy bed and woke up early and decided, despite the bluster, to take a walk on  the beach. And then I found more trash that I’d ever seen on a beach before.

You needed one flip flop, this was the place to be. Bottles, Styrofoam, bottles, shoes, fishing floats, plastic bags … you get the picture. Scenic it was not, but it was my highlight.

The second morning, I decided to make a game of it and hunt for a specific kind of bottle. Then, I figured, I’d fill it with sand to take home. Armed with that optimistic plan, I started out the door and realized the drizzle had been promoted to actual rain, deep-sixing the plan.

The hotel layout was resort-like. Something like three pools, but not a one inside. Beautiful walkways, all slick with rain. It was beautiful but useless to me that weekend.

I took two showers and two baths in two days. I worked out in the gym, just like I do at home. There was just nothing else to do. No Internet, nothing within walking distance, not even a 7-11.

When you’re in Asia cannot find a 7-11, it is very bleak.

The last day, I just sat in the lobby and read a book.