Semi-indecent proposal

First, the backstory:

I'm single. Most everyone knows that. I'm not exactly looking for man, since I'd rather have a job. There's also the whole EC factor, who, while still in Morocco, still turns up like a bad dirham here and there.

I'm fairly content holding off on men, at least for now. Afer all, I am still crashing at my parents' place, and between my stuff and my brother's stuff -- not to mention Daddy's hording -- there's no place to put one anyway.

Even though I'm not in the market, well-meaning people try to push.

Over the summer, this happened at my old shop. I'd taken off Thursday from job-hunting to stuff envelopes at FLW, which really hasn't changed much since I've been gone. The same core people who were there during my 1987-1996 tenure are still there and many, many things are the same, including the tradition of allowing any Tom, Dick or Harriet come in and stuff envelopes on Thursdays.

(There are fewer envelopes now than when I was there -- some cutbacks to the economy, and some to online editions. FLW, unlike newspapers, doesn't give away its online content, though!)

Continuing the backstory, one of the people who comes in weekly -- I'll call him Lester -- is a friend and neighbor of one of the Print Shop Boys. Lester is an older man and seems to be friendly and outgoing. He hosts a summer Fourth of July Party for his neighborhood block, which I'll get to in a minute.

We chatted that first week I stuffed envelopes beside him, just making small talk. Some of the small talk involved this other guy he knows and I'd met by happenstance -- Print Shop Boy Neighbor's office birthday party, thrown a day I wandered in off the streets.

I'd been under the impression that both Lester and ...let's call him Divorce-in-Waiting stuffed envelopes weekly, so I asked where DIW was that particular week. Well, turns out, DIW has some other job and is merely PSBN's neighbor. Oh.

Lester continues and tells me what a nice guy DIW is, and how evil his soon-to-be ex-wife is. My former boss (who's never met him personally) PSBN and Lester all mention that DIW is a really nice guy and his wife cheated on him, threw him out but hasn't yet filed for divorce.

OK. Enough drama for my first day stuffing envelopes.

Well, enough until the next day, when Former Boss calls me to first ask me to come in and do some more work but also to add that Lester stayed late the previous day to ask if he could get my number to give to DIW. FB asked me if it was OK to pass on my number, and I, having nothing better to do and not really having an excuse to say no, agree.

Well, nothing happens, and then I got the job at the overnight camp. Something like two days before camp (over a week and possibly close to two weeks after the number handoff) he calls. Lord.

Up until then, I probably wouldn't have minded having lunch or something. But at this point, I was committed to the YMCA Camp From Hell (I'm liking these acronyms -- humor me), so I really wasn't free. I was there five nights a week, leaving there Friday afternoon and returning early Sunday morning. All I wanted to do on my days off was nap with my dog.

On the Fourth, I made an honest attempt to meet DIW at Lester's party. Sadly, I am inept at directions and could not locate the party in question. I literally drove in circles for an hour trying to find it. I asked directions ("It's right down the hill. You can't miss it.") and missed it. I grew frustrated and left.

And I called the next day to apologize, which was maybe the second time I'd spoken to DIW. I'd had one conversation and a few back-and-forth emails but no far, not a single spark emerged, at least from my side.

See, all I know of this man is he's "a nice guy," is separated but not divorced, and has two children. (I learned this week that bother are daughters: one's in college and one's in high school. Stay tuned.) He's also 9-10 years older than me, which, as Dana and I would agree, isn't in my decade. I asked him what he did for a living and it involved some kind of -- I think; I didn't really understand -- large equipment repair. It did not interest me, but of course, "former sports writer" is a buzzword for any man.

So I went all through the YMCA CFH without being able to spare a moment, and then I dispatched myself to Wyoming for two more months. About mid-June, I got an e-mail from him asking when I'd be back and "Around October" was my reply.

Of course, by then, I'd taken another contract job and darted off for Morocco, and truthfully, the thought of DIW hadn't even crossed my mind since about then.

--------end backstory-----begin proposal------

But I'm back to joblessness and ventured back into FLW this week to stuff envelopes. Lester's there, a permanent Thursday fixture.

I work at a different table than him and we finish extremely early (this happens when I am there -- man, I have a God-given talent for stuffing envelopes) and we're making small talk.

"So, you're in and out of town a lot, right?" he asks.

I tell him yes. I'm back until something else emerges.

He continues, "Do you have a place to stay while you're here?"

I explain that I stay with my parents (if I had money to live someplace else, I'd move out of the state, but for now Tallahassee's great).

He then, completely serious, tells me he has a friend -- "You know [DIW]." DIW, Lester explains, has two daughters (this is when I learn their ages), and while the older one is a good kid, the younger one is a "troubled girl."

DIW, as I know, has to be gone overnight sometimes. (Lester tells me this, but honestly I didn't know because the whole job description thing bored me to badly I guess my brain glazed over this fact. I didn't understand it.)

What DIW needs, Lester goes on to say, is someone who will move in and take care of his daughter and keep her in line.

My jaw about hit the floor. What exactly does this proposal entail, seriously? I mean, I don't know DIW from Adam's housecat, but given that I am positive he is the nice guy people credit him as being, I seriously doubt he'd want Lester advocating some strange woman moving in and taking over.

And Lester was heart attack serious. He honestly thought that I'd jump at the opportunity to become a rent-paying adjunct member of a pre-existing family.

Can you imagine? I imagine if DIW hears about the proposal, he'd collapse (or at least down a beer) in embarassment. In what world does a roommate -- especially one someone's been trying to set up with the homeowner on a blind date -- jump in as Surrogate Mom to "troubled" teenage girls?

I'm sure that'd go over well.

-----

Well, I guess it is the best job offer I've had in the last week.